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There are funny quotes and then there are funny quotes. Some really make you guffaw, while others rarely make your lips curl in mirth. Truly, there are only a few award-winning fun quotes that make you laugh over and over again. Here are a few really funny quotes that are different from the others and have stood the test of time.
"There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there."
"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?"
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer."
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
"By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all."
"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom."
"Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar."
"When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better."
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."